Friday, August 28, 2009

- stray musings

The below is an assortment of old ideas that were maybe going to be a cartoon or it's own post and may still be. But, I was inspired to just throw my stray musings up below in a post after reading a great (and funnier) list a good friend forwarded me. Here you go:

- Do employers know that just because they blocked YouTube does not mean that Hulu.com is blocked?

- I am seriously, deeply conflicted during fantasy football drafts and seasons, to the point where I won't draft many players in the same division as my home team or start players playing against my home team. OK, I will start them if I still have a mathematical chance to win the fantasy football league. Money is money.

- I understand that some pregnancies are difficult but, when the full term, by-the-book, no complications birth of a baby occurs is the baby really a "miracle"? Did an angel visit the mother and impregnate her? Did the baby part a sea or any other body of water? Maybe to those in olden' times a baby's birth was considered a "miracle". Don't get me wrong having a baby is great. I just don't like it when the word "miracle" is thrown around. It's called reproductive biology. Open a book.

- Sports athletes, it seems like it's usually football players, talk about being "warriors" or "soldiers" or "going to war" or "doing battle" or "being in the trenches". I know Kellen Winslow got in trouble for it a couple of years ago but, I swear they still do it. They do know that USA service people, actual real soldiers, real warriors, are abroad actually doing battle, at war, right? As for being "in the trenches" I assume that's a reference to WW1 trench warfare. Does that mean football players have explosives lobbed into their trenches? Do football players have to eat, sleep, fight, use the restroom and even live near corpses of friends for days or weeks on end in their trenches? So note to football player, I'd estimate that our military service people die at a greater clip than NFL players. And they're not paid ridiculous amounts of money for it. So football player, less talkie talkie, more touchdowns.

- Why do we use the initials "rsvp" for invitations? You know that those initials stand for a phrase in French that means "please reply" or some such? I don't know or speak French. When else do you use a phrase in another language to respond to something? When someone says "thank you" to me my response from now on will be, "viva la revolucion".

- Some people say I'm a "back seat driver". No, I'm not, I'm not driving at all. I'm actually a "terrified passenger" when most other people drive because the way most people drive freaks me the hell out.

- Sometimes people say, "we treat our pets like they're our children". Do they really? Do they:

set up a college fund for Spot?

tell their pet to stop crying or they'll give them something to really cry about?

force their pet to stay at the dinner table until their plate is empty?

force their pet to take lessons on violin when the pet really wants to take piano lessons?

tell their pet that if they pee the bed again they'll have to sleep in the back yard.

forever cripple their pet's self-esteem by telling their pet that they'll never amount to anything?


- People should only say that they're "starving" if it's been at least multiple days since they ate. If you missed breakfast that really doesn't count. That'd be like saying "I'm a master carpenter" because you put something together from IKEA. Don't exaggerate. It insults those that are starving and master carpenters.

- I like french fries and I like mayonnaise. Don't judge me for dipping the former in the latter.

- I'm not saying it's as bad as Bernie Madoff but, explain to me again why it's not a rip off to pay so much for bottled water?

- Why do we use the phrase "politically correct". I think most of the time it's just being considerate of the feelings of others. Or just not being a blatant bigot, misogynist or a person who makes fun of the disabled.

- Facebooking while intoxicated is the new drunk dialing.

- The term "spam email" is an insult to the deliciousness that is the canned meat product Spam.

- They say you're not supposed to talk about money, politics or religion in polite company. Can we all agree to add the weather to that too? Of course then you'd have nothing to talk about. And I don't consider myself polite.

- Why do we always cheer for the underdog? I don't necessarily cheer for the underdog as much as I cheer against the favorite so that those that always have things go their way have a taste of the losing and misery we all ingest regularly.

- Watching over and over the movie "A Cry in the Dark", in which Meryl Streep plays an Australian mother who says, "a dingo stole my baby," is my own way of getting back at all the Australian actors for taking all the movie roles with American accents from American actors.

- Is Brett Farve going to regale his younger teammates with stories about cassette tapes and black and white TV?